Thursday, April 22, 2010

Tax Return My Liberty!


            (lights up on man holding sign that reads, “WHATS MINE IS MINE”)

            HOWARD

The government works for us! We don’t work for them!

PETER

Dad, there you are!

HOWARD

Not now Pete. I need to tell these sorry saps the TRUTH about our government. No more handouts! God bless America!

PETER

What are you talking about Dad? Why are you standing out here in front of the post office?

HOWARD

Because it’s tax day! And taxes are the reason Americans are enslaved by their government! Axe! The! Tax!. Axe! The! Tax!

PETER

…Are you trying to tell people that they shouldn’t pay their taxes? I don’t think that’s a very good idea Dad.

HOWARD

Don’t tread on me! Tread somewhere else!

PETER

Come on Dad, we need to get you back to the nursing home.

HOWARD

No! I’m not leaving this street corner until my voice is heard!

PETER

Everyone can hear you. You’re screaming your head off out here.

HOWARD

Then why the hell do these people keep going into the post office?! Why won’t they hear the truth!?

PETER

Well maybe they have some mail they need to send.

HOWARD

Don’t I know it! And that’s what’s wrong with this country!

PETER

Mail… is what’s wrong with America?

HOWARD

Well, who pays for it? You and me! That’s right, our hard-earned money supports programs we don’t even want!

PETER

Dad, there’s nothing wrong with our taxes going to systems like the U.S. postal service. Besides, they’ve been semi-independent for years now.

HOWARD

Fuck the postal service! Who needs it!

PETER

Alright Dad. I gotta pick up Emma from school in half an hour, let’s get you home so I’m not late.

HOWARD

School! You’ve got my grandchild going to a school!

PETER

Dad…

HOWARD

School is the government’s hypnotism machine! If these people would just stop paying their taxes we could destroy it!

PETER

Dad, education is a good thing. It’s not something you should be angry about.

HOWARD

Fuck school! Who needs it!

(Officer John approaches)

OFFICER JOHN

Excuse me sir, I received a call that you’re disturbing the peace out here.

HOWARD

Damn right I’m disturbing the peace! Freedom isn’t free!

OFFICER JOHN

Well if you don’t calm down I’m going to have to arrest you.

PETER

Officer, please. This is my dad, and he got out of his nursing home somehow. I’m taking him back now. …let’s go Dad.

HOWARD

No! This cop wouldn’t even be here bothering me if these people would just listen to me! Listen to me! Taxes are evil!

PETER

Damn it Dad! You’re acting like a crazy person and the officer here is just doing his job. Personally, I’m glad he’s here because I just might let him take you away.

HOWARD

Fuck the police!

OFFICER JOHN

Sir, I take offense to that remark.

HOWARD

Who needs ya!

PETER

Dad, you have to pay your taxes. Taxes are the reason we can have things like the postal service, public schools, and law enforcement. I don’t like filling out the forms either, but come on, taxes aren’t as bad as you’re making them out to be.

HOWARD

…No taxation without representation!

PETER

Ugh! Dad, you don’t even know what that means.

HOWARD

No taxation! …I know what that means.

PETER

Fine. You want to take him away officer? Might as well put our tax dollars to use.

OFFICER JOHN

Oh! Uhhh. Right.

HOWARD

Obama is commander in thief! I have a right to free speech!

OFFICER JOHN

Hm. Y’know. I never thought about these things before. Your dad makes some pretty good points. I mean, we’re not a monarchy; this is the land of the free! Why do we have to pay taxes?

PETER

…Is this a joke? You wouldn’t have a job if people didn’t pay their taxes.

OFFICER JOHN

Don’t talk down to me citizen! I’m an authority of the law, and I can break you in a second!

PETER

I… uh… I’m sorry officer, I…

OFFICER JOHN

By the looks of you, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were one of them liberal yuppies. I hate liberal yuppies!

HOWARD

He is a liberal yuppie! No amnesty!

OFFICER JOHN

I thought so. A part of the machine, eh? Well let’s take a ride downtown and see how supportive of the system you are after you’ve met our “interrogator.”

PETER

Wha—…but.

OFFICER JOHN

(putting Peter’s hands behind his back)

No buts, you’re under arrest.

(they walk off stage, leaving Howard)

HOWARD

…America is the land of the free! We have freedom of speech! We’re the greatest country in the world! …Fuck taxes! Who needs ‘em! …

          (Blackout.)

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