Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Objective Creationism


DAN

Well, another experiment failed.

BOB

I don’t get it Dan, we’re scientists! Why can’t we ever formulate a hypothesis that works?

DAN

I don’t know. Shall we pray?

BOB

Yes of course.

DAN

Dear Lord, we’re still trying to prove your existence but just aren’t having any luck. Please provide us with what we need to submit positive results to a science journal…

(They wait silently for a moment)

BOB

Bah! Nothing again!

DAN

I just don’t get it Bob! What more do we have to do?

BOB

Alright, I’ll try this time… Dear Lord, please help us prove you’re—

RICHARD

(Richard enters)

Okay, that’s quite enough.

DAN

Who are you?

RICHARD

I’m God. You’ve been praying to me for years. Incessantly.

DAN

Great! This is fantastic! The breakthrough we’ve been looking for! Our prayers are finally answered.

BOB

Oh, God! I was ready to give up!

RICHARD

No you weren’t. That’s why I had to come down to put a stop to all this.

DAN

We need to get this to American Journal of Science right away.

RICHARD

No, no, no. You must stop trying to prove that I exist. Belief in God is a matter of individual faith, not objective factuality. So please, move on to some other experiment.

BOB

Well, why would we do that now? I mean, you’re here as proof.

RICHARD

(sigh) How do you know I exist?

DAN

Because… you’re here.

RICHARD

How do you know I’m really God?

BOB

Because you said so.

RICHARD

So what are you going to do, write an article that says “God exists, because he said so”?

BOB

Well, if that’s the proof… Is it?

RICHARD

No! That’s circular logic! (sigh) How did you people even become scientists?!

DAN

Well, the Discovery Institute only hires creationists.

RICHARD

You know what, I’m wasting my time. I didn’t need to do this.

BOB

Oh God, please. We’ve been experimenting for years—

RICHARD

You mean praying out loud while wearing white lab coats.

BOB

Well, yeah. That’s what an experiment is, God.

RICHARD

Jesus Christ… I’m not God, okay? I’m Richard Dawkins, and I came here to try and get you to stop with this nonsense. It’s an embarrassment to the science world. AND to religious circles.

DAN

Richard Dawkins!

BOB

I thought you were just a myth!

DAN

This is amazing!

RICHARD

Okay then. Goodbye gentlemen.

DAN

No no, wait! You’re a famous scientist, we can learn a lot from you. Tell us how to prove God’s existence.

RICHARD

God doesn’t exist.

DAN and BOB

What?

RICHARD

You can’t prove that God exists, because he doesn’t.

DAN

…Um. Are you sure?

(Richard Nods)

BOB

Joke’s on you, asshole! Turn around and see!

JESUS

(bearded Jesus jumps out)

Surpriiiise, Richaaaard!

RICHARD

Huh. You tricked me, eh? Jesus is God… And alive…

DAN

Hah! Ohhh Richard. We found him years ago, we’ve just been trying to get on your nerves.

RICHARD

Well, I still don’t believe. So I’ll be off now.

JESUS

What? What more proof do you need! Look at me!

RICHARD

You’re not Jesus, or God. You’re a sketch comedy actor wearing a fake beard.

JESUS

Uhh… No! I’m the Son of God!

RICHARD

No you’re not. And I’m not Richard Dawkins either.

BOB

Well okay, but… come on.

RICHARD

Nope, nope. I’ve really had enough of this now. Goodbye.

(walks off stage)

BOB

…huh. …well, that was weird. Was that Richard Dawkins or not?

DAN

I don’t know… Should we pray for the answer?

JESUS

I’m gonna grab a coffee from downstairs. You guys need anything?

No comments: