Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Sweet Old Man in Hell

(In darkness with single spotlight)

NORMAN:

Nurse? Nurse… Oh my goodness. Everyone is gone… And, oh I see it. I see the light… I must head towards that light, and then I’ll finally be with my sweet Anne again. Just as we promised 70 years ago, Anne, “til death do we part!” Oh dear, it’s been 15 long years since we parted but we’ll finally be together again in Heaven! …The light is getting closer. …and stronger. …and hotter! Oh my, it’s very hot!

(Devil approaches as lights brighten)

DEVIL:

Ok, next! Alright, old man Norman. Sign here please.

NORMAN:

What, me? I’m in Hell?

DEVIL:

That’s right, welcome to the gates of Hell. You must sign here for entry.

NORMAN:

But… but I don’t want to go to Hell.

DEVIL:

Yes, yes, of course you don’t. But this is where you’re going to spend eternity, so let’s hurry it up.

NORMAN:

There must be some mistake. I’m a sweet old man. That’s how people have referred to me for the past 30 years. …I don’t belong in Hell.

DEVIL:

I’m sure you were very sweet, but it doesn’t matter.

NORMAN:

Here, watch this... Oh! Look what I found behind your ear!

DEVIL:

Oh the quarter behind the ear trick. Yes, that's very "grandpa" of you. Got anything else?

NORMAN:

Well listen, I know how it feels to work in a monotonous job like yours. When I was a young man I worked 12 hour shifts at the Flivver assembly line. Oh, I can tell a cranky long day at work when I see one, I've been there, boy-o!

DEVIL:

It says here you never accepted Jesus into your heart.

NORMAN:

I… Well I was raised in a Jewish family.

DEVIL:

Well there ya go. Now if you can, please sign here, there’s a long line we have to get through today.

NORMAN:

But… But I’ve been waiting to see my sweet Anne for over 15 years… You’re telling me that I can’t?

DEVIL:

Hey, I don’t make the rules. Take it up with God.

NORMAN:

I… I can’t believe I’m going to Hell.

DEVIL:

Yeah, life’s a bitch. Now please sign here.

NORMAN:

Oh… Don’t you have any compassion? Can’t I at least just see my wife? I don’t care if I go to Hell after that, I just want to see her beautiful smile one more time…

DEVIL:

Wow. You don’t care that you’re spending eternity in Hell? All you want is to see your dead wife? Are you for real?

NORMAN:

If you only you knew how much I loved her. I love my sweet Anne more than anything in the universe.

DEVIL:

See, if you were saying that about Jesus then you wouldn’t be having this problem.

NORMAN:

(teary-eyed)

Ohhh, Anne. Sweet, sweet Anne.

DEVIL:

Huh. You really are a sweet old man, aren’t ya?

(Norman looks longingly at the Devil)

Well… I don’t usually do this, but your pathetic loving-kindness has touched me on an emotional level. I know you can’t tell because of my permanently snarky voice and horned brow, but believe me, you have moved me old man.

NORMAN:

You’ll let me see her?

DEVIL:

Yes.

NORMAN:

Oh, thank you Satan!

DEVIL:

Whoa, whoa! I’m not Satan, just another fallen angel. Last guy who tried to take credit for the Lord of Darkness’s jobs got sent to eternal toilet cleaning duty.

NORMAN:

Ah, okay. Sorry.

DEVIL:

Wasn’t your fault. Okay, gimme a second here. I’ll be right back with your wife.

(Devil exits)

NORMAN:

Thank you so much!

(Devil returns with Anne)

DEVIL:

Heeeere she is!

NORMAN:

…Anne?

ANNE:

Hello Norman.

NORMAN:

What happened to you? You look…

ANNE:

Yeah, this is what happens when you burn in Hell for 15 years.

NORMAN:

Why aren’t you in Heaven?

ANNE and DEVIL:

(looking at each other as they simultaneously remark)

Jesus

(Blackout.)

1 comment:

Nat Churl Disaster said...

Really interesting piece.