Monday, March 15, 2010

Maryanne or Ginger (Why Nobody Ever Picks Ginger)

"Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is." -Carl Jung

I rarely write about my red hair. And to be honest, this is because I am ashamed of it. Ironically, the above quote doesn't work in my case. My shadow (that part of my self that I try to ignore the most, that which receives the most repressive attention) is my red hair, and oh how I wish it were "blacker."

The only man who has successfully shown how awful it is to live the life of a redhead is Conan O'Brien. He is mercilessly self-deprecating when it comes to his hair, and I look up to him for it. I hate my red hair so much, I dye it darker colors and cover it up with hats.

I call it "redhead dread," because being a male redhead is so depressing. Women generally don't find you as attractive (honestly, if you can pick between a guy with blond hair, dark hair, or red hair, we all know who's getting picked third), other guys don't take you seriously (Ronald McDonald is the world's most famous redheaded man. And he is a clown.), and most redheads are self-loathing losers too.

And so much other negative shit comes with being a redhead: pale skin, "fire-crotch," Irish stereotypes (even if you're not Irish...) and Carrot Top. A man with red hair is doomed for life. Everybody mocks us, and we know it. We're not the type of scapegoats that will rise up in unification the way people with black skin did in America. This is because redheads hate each other. There are no "red-headed brothers." We wish that we didn't exist. We don't want people to accept us, because we don't accept ourselves. I see another redhead and think, "look at that asshole." Then I look at myself in the mirror and cry. I don't even go to barber shops anymore, looking at all of the beautiful people with their perfect dark hair. I cut my red hair by myself in the bathroom, in shame.

And yes, this is only true for men. Redheaded women can be proud of their fair skin, freckly cheeks and crimson locks. There is just something so pathetic about a man with red hair. The only people who compliment my hair are 80-year-old ladies. They touch it and say, "Oh my gawd! This is so beautifullll! I wish I had this hair!" I mean, if elderly women want to have hair like mine, that should say enough.

That whole rumor that came out a few years ago about redheads going extinct within 100 years was great news. It's a disease! We have a pigment imbalance that results in sunburns and skin cancer. Seriously, people with red hair can't go out into the sun without getting cancer on their skin. Have you ever thought about that? It's like being allergic to water. The source of life and growth on this planet is a detriment to redheads. It's not funny! It sucks!

So there it is. A little bit of my online shadow, exposing itself to the blog world. Ridicule me, I'll join in. I know there's nothing worse than a ginger, there's no hyperbole too extreme when it comes to the awfulness of redheads. ...I hate myself.


the fatted calf said...

David Caruso - yikes!
Damian Lewis - cool.
Danny Bonaduce - yikes!
Seth Green - okay, decent.
Archie comics guy - never happen in a million years.
Alfred E Nueman - truth in art.

napoleon says said...

gingers do have souls!

dylanclub said...

poor kid. he's not proud of his red hair and he knows it. sad...