Girl: Mike, are you coming!
Present Mike: Be patient beautiful! That’s her… Yeah man, she’s skanky hot.
Girl: Hurry up!
Present Mike: Alright bro, talk to you later. Good luck tonight.
(Checks his hair in mirror, flexes biceps, and makes practice hip thrusts. Claps hands together in excited anticipation)
Future Mike: Agh, shit!
Present Mike: What the hell! Who’s that?
Future Mike: Don’t be alarmed Mike. Ack. Come here, help me through this window.
Present Mike: Uhhh, I think you should get the hell out of here.
Future Mike: You don’t understand, I’m here to help you Mike.
Present Mike: Yeah, I think that maybe… wait… how do you know my name? Who are you?
Future Mike: I’m you Mike. I’ve come from the future.
Present Mike: … alright, I’m calling the cops.
Future Mike: No really! I’ve come to stop you from making a huge mistake!
Present Mike: First of all, my friend, time travel isn’t possible. And secondly, you don’t look anything like me.
Future Mike: Exactly!
Present Mike: … Hello, 911?
Future Mike: Gimme that!
Present Mike: Hey asshole! Give that back!
Future Mike: You have to listen to me! If you sleep with that girl in there you’ll ruin your life.
Present Mike: This is really weird.
Future Mike: Okay, when you were seven years old you were the ring bearer at your uncle’s wedding. You shit your pants while walking down the aisle.
Present Mike: … Yeah. But everybody in the town knows about that.
Future Mike: In high school, you used to masturbate in bathroom stalls to a picture of Kermit the Frog that you kept in your wallet.
Present Mike: … oh shit.
Future Mike: Sometimes when you’re showering, you stick your finger up your own—
Present Mike: Okay! Okay! I believe you’re me. How did you travel back in time though?
Future Mike: That’s not important. What is important is that you get the hell out of here right now. Go through the window, hurry!
Present Mike: Wait wait, this is the hottest girl I’ve ever been with. I can’t just skip out on this.
Future Mike: Look at me. Look at this shit in my beard. This is rat shit. The worst shit in the history of shits. Mike, I wouldn’t look like this if I had bolted. And the same thing will happen to you if you go through with it.
Present Mike: Hm. But, wait a minute now, if I don’t go through with it, that means you’ll have no reason to come back and warn me.
Future Mike: Exactly, that’s what we want.
Present Mike: But, you’re already here. So doesn’t that mean I’m destined to sleep with her?
Future Mike: No, what? That’s why I came back in time to warn you against it.
Present Mike: So no future versions of me came to warn you when you were in the same situation?
Future Mike: Well, I think it would have been a future version of me, not you. And actually yes, a future version of myself did come to warn me, but I didn’t listen.
Present Mike: Okay, I think this proves my point. This is an endless loop.
Future Mike: No, it doesn’t have to be! You can get out now. This is exactly what happened to me when I was in your situation, but I didn’t listen to my future self either!
Present Mike: But won’t that screw up the fabric of time? I mean, if I listen to you, that’ll alter the course of everything. Then let’s say I get to the point at which you traveled back in time, do I not do it?
Future Mike: uhhh…
Present Mike: I mean, this loop is infinite. We can’t just stop it now. That could destroy the universe for all we know.
Future Mike: Well look at it this way, you’re screwed no matter what. If you sleep with that girl, you’ll ruin your life. If you don’t there’s a chance the universe implodes. But I’d say at least take a chance and try to have a good life.
Present Mike: Well, that’s a good point. But will I ever have a chance to get with a girl this hot ever again? I highly doubt it.
Future Mike: Oh come on, it’s possible. Look at your biceps. And you know we have perfect hip thrusting form. There’ll be more girls down the road.
Present Mike: … yeah, but. She’s just lying there at this very moment. I can go do it right now. She’s drunk and ready.
Future Mike: That’s the thing. She’s really drunk. So drunk that she won’t even be aware of whatever you do to her.
Present Mike: Oh my God. That is so awesome.
Future Mike: No! Mike! I mean, I know it’s kinda awesome, but in this case it’s really not!
Girl: Miiiike! Get in here, I’m so wet and wasted!
Present Mike: Jeeeeez. This is tough.
Future Mike: Mike, please. I know it’s hard, believe me, I’ve been here before.
Present Mike: I have to leave right now?
Future Mike: Yes. You can’t ever see her again. Ever.
Present Mike: Well, I guess I have no reason to not believe my self. I’ve always trusted myself before…
Future Mike: I wouldn’t go through all the trouble of time traveling if it wasn’t really important.
Present Mike: Yeah. I can imagine it was an ordeal getting here.
Future Mike: Not as big of a deal as you’d think actually, but it’s on par with installing a new stereo in a car in your era.
Present Mike: Oh, that’s not too bad. But yeah, not the most common, uh… yeah...
Future Mike: right.
Present Mike: (sigh) Out the window?
Future Mike: Yes. And run like hell. Get as far away from her as fast you can.
Present Mike: Alright. Ok. I’ll do what you say. …Will I ever see you again Mike?
Future Mike: I hope not.
Present Mike: Hah. Okay, give me a boost, I’m outta here.
Future Mike: Alley oop! …Run Mike! Don’t look back! Don’t stop! Atta boy! Atta boy! (looks back towards room)
Girl: Are you coming Mike?
Future Mike: (checks hair in mirror, flexes biceps, thrusts hips) Oh yeah, I’ll be right there baby! (takes off belt, opens door and leaves bathroom with a smile on his face)