Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Time Loop

Present Mike: Yeah man, I’m not gonna be coming out tonight… I’m in this chick’s bathroom right now and she’s lying on her bed half naked waiting for me to give her some Polish sausage… oh yeah, she’s had a few long islands already.

Girl: Mike, are you coming!

Present Mike: Be patient beautiful! That’s her… Yeah man, she’s skanky hot.

Girl: Hurry up!

Present Mike: Alright bro, talk to you later. Good luck tonight.

(Checks his hair in mirror, flexes biceps, and makes practice hip thrusts. Claps hands together in excited anticipation)

Future Mike: Agh, shit!

Present Mike: What the hell! Who’s that?

Future Mike: Don’t be alarmed Mike. Ack. Come here, help me through this window.

Present Mike: Uhhh, I think you should get the hell out of here.

Future Mike: You don’t understand, I’m here to help you Mike.

Present Mike: Yeah, I think that maybe… wait… how do you know my name? Who are you?

Future Mike: I’m you Mike. I’ve come from the future.

Present Mike: … alright, I’m calling the cops.

Future Mike: No really! I’ve come to stop you from making a huge mistake!

Present Mike: First of all, my friend, time travel isn’t possible. And secondly, you don’t look anything like me.

Future Mike: Exactly!

Present Mike: … Hello, 911?

Future Mike: Gimme that!

Present Mike: Hey asshole! Give that back!

Future Mike: You have to listen to me! If you sleep with that girl in there you’ll ruin your life.

Present Mike: This is really weird.

Future Mike: Okay, when you were seven years old you were the ring bearer at your uncle’s wedding. You shit your pants while walking down the aisle.

Present Mike: … Yeah. But everybody in the town knows about that.

Future Mike: In high school, you used to masturbate in bathroom stalls to a picture of Kermit the Frog that you kept in your wallet.

Present Mike: … oh shit.

Future Mike: Sometimes when you’re showering, you stick your finger up your own—

Present Mike: Okay! Okay! I believe you’re me. How did you travel back in time though?

Future Mike: That’s not important. What is important is that you get the hell out of here right now. Go through the window, hurry!

Present Mike: Wait wait, this is the hottest girl I’ve ever been with. I can’t just skip out on this.

Future Mike: Look at me. Look at this shit in my beard. This is rat shit. The worst shit in the history of shits. Mike, I wouldn’t look like this if I had bolted. And the same thing will happen to you if you go through with it.

Present Mike: Hm. But, wait a minute now, if I don’t go through with it, that means you’ll have no reason to come back and warn me.

Future Mike: Exactly, that’s what we want.

Present Mike: But, you’re already here. So doesn’t that mean I’m destined to sleep with her?

Future Mike: No, what? That’s why I came back in time to warn you against it.

Present Mike: So no future versions of me came to warn you when you were in the same situation?

Future Mike: Well, I think it would have been a future version of me, not you. And actually yes, a future version of myself did come to warn me, but I didn’t listen.

Present Mike: Okay, I think this proves my point. This is an endless loop.

Future Mike: No, it doesn’t have to be! You can get out now. This is exactly what happened to me when I was in your situation, but I didn’t listen to my future self either!

Present Mike: But won’t that screw up the fabric of time? I mean, if I listen to you, that’ll alter the course of everything. Then let’s say I get to the point at which you traveled back in time, do I not do it?

Future Mike: uhhh…

Present Mike: I mean, this loop is infinite. We can’t just stop it now. That could destroy the universe for all we know.

Future Mike: Well look at it this way, you’re screwed no matter what. If you sleep with that girl, you’ll ruin your life. If you don’t there’s a chance the universe implodes. But I’d say at least take a chance and try to have a good life.

Present Mike: Well, that’s a good point. But will I ever have a chance to get with a girl this hot ever again? I highly doubt it.

Future Mike: Oh come on, it’s possible. Look at your biceps. And you know we have perfect hip thrusting form. There’ll be more girls down the road.

Present Mike: … yeah, but. She’s just lying there at this very moment. I can go do it right now. She’s drunk and ready.

Future Mike: That’s the thing. She’s really drunk. So drunk that she won’t even be aware of whatever you do to her.

Present Mike: Oh my God. That is so awesome.

Future Mike: No! Mike! I mean, I know it’s kinda awesome, but in this case it’s really not!

Girl: Miiiike! Get in here, I’m so wet and wasted!

Present Mike: Jeeeeez. This is tough.

Future Mike: Mike, please. I know it’s hard, believe me, I’ve been here before.

Present Mike: I have to leave right now?

Future Mike: Yes. You can’t ever see her again. Ever.

Present Mike: Well, I guess I have no reason to not believe my self. I’ve always trusted myself before…

Future Mike: I wouldn’t go through all the trouble of time traveling if it wasn’t really important.

Present Mike: Yeah. I can imagine it was an ordeal getting here.

Future Mike: Not as big of a deal as you’d think actually, but it’s on par with installing a new stereo in a car in your era.

Present Mike: Oh, that’s not too bad. But yeah, not the most common, uh… yeah...

Future Mike: right.

Present Mike: (sigh) Out the window?

Future Mike: Yes. And run like hell. Get as far away from her as fast you can.

Present Mike: Alright. Ok. I’ll do what you say. …Will I ever see you again Mike?

Future Mike: I hope not.

Present Mike: Hah. Okay, give me a boost, I’m outta here.

Future Mike: Alley oop! …Run Mike! Don’t look back! Don’t stop! Atta boy! Atta boy! (looks back towards room)

Girl: Are you coming Mike?

Future Mike: (checks hair in mirror, flexes biceps, thrusts hips) Oh yeah, I’ll be right there baby! (takes off belt, opens door and leaves bathroom with a smile on his face)

No comments: