Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Halfway Through the Middle

I hallucinated this weekend. I was walking up stairs that were taking me downward. I saw a creature with the face of an owl, wings made of firewood and feet that were alarm clocks. If only I had known that I was hallucinating, I would have spent more time with this nonsense. But I was disturbed by these images and feelings. I wanted them to leave me. Why? I'm not sure. They did me no harm. But I did not want to interact with them.

And a few days after my hallucinations, I watched a movie that matched my feelings of the weekend. The Holy Mountain. This film challenged me unlike anything I've experienced in cinema. The images were so grotesque at times, they disturbed me. At times, it felt like everyone involved in the film was on LSD, and I still consider it a possibility. And yet, there was a clear message and direction. Alejandro Jodorowsky believed in something, and he was using cinema to express himself. He may have been disgusting, but some of the topics and themes being explored were surely disgusting as well.

A screaming naked man, covered in spiders while grasping his genitals. A transgendered old creature, naked with half a beard. Sagging breasts are softly sucked upon, until screaming again. The breasts turn into leopards and spray milk out of their mouths like fire hoses. Surrealism beyond Dali and Bunuel. John Lennon and George Harrison gave it two thumbs up.

I watched The Holy Mountain a second time, and the horror has diminished a little bit. Is this ongoing desensitization of my own mind? Or am I merely expanding my artistic horizons? Did Jodorowsky go too far? Or not far enough?

At least now I can be sure of where MGMT and Santogold got their ideas for their music videos.

Do not be afraid of art or spirituality. It is understandable to be afraid of these things, but don't do it. Spirituality is something that never leaves us. To you who do not believe in God, you may leave now. You have no place in humanity. But to be sure, I do not mean the Christian God. I do not mean any particular God. I mean God. If you do not believe in God, I am bored for you. And I do not envy you.

I used to be afraid of Buddhism. I had a dream a few years ago, when I was sleeping in a dorm room. This dream came before and after classes on theology. I only learned about Christian theology though, and knew nothing of other religions. So when this dream came upon me, I dreamed as an ignorant spirit dreams, fearful of what it does not understand. The dream begins on a front lawn, facing a one-floor house with a long porch. All over the porch, and even on some of the lawn, Buddhist statues are situated amidst plants. I think to myself, "A Buddhist must live here." But it is quiet. A thin statue of Buddha is there on the grass. And I walk away from it, towards the open garage door on the side of the house. I walk into the garage, and see the door into the house slightly open. I call out something. I don't remember what. But I begin to hear quick little footsteps from inside the house. I see nothing for a while, but the sound grows nearer. Quickly, around a corner comes a raggedy, old Asian woman. She is quickly waddling towards me, something is in her hand. I am scared right away, she comes at me directly. I see what she holds up at me, it is a small drinking glass, her eyeball is inside. "MY eye! MY eye!" she shrieks as she comes. I look at her face, only one eye in its socket. I am so scared, and I want to run, but I am frozen. She is coming at me faster than I can move, and she will be upon me in moments. "MY eye! MY eye!"

Of course I must wake up here. I was too terrified to deal with whatever gruesomeness was about to occur. I never want to face my fears, who does? But perhaps someday I will. Maybe I'm not desensitizing myself after all. Maybe I'm on a journey towards enlightenment. Who the hell knows.

Enlightenment, finding myself, becoming more and/or less aware, whatever. I can feel the darkness beginning to dissipate either way. The thing about darkness though, it only exists through contrast. Contrast is the entirety, and so never leaves. If light will shine on me, I only hope that it doesn't become blinding. That would be no better than total darkness. I'd like to be able to see.

What symbol or tarot card can comprehend? When Campbell and Jung speak to each other, do they laugh or cry at me?

With less frequency writing, and more radios to tie dials together.

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